Successful Aging: What if my newly retired husband wants to spend all his time with me?

Q. I have been retired for several years from my previous career as an attorney. My husband, who is 80 years old, is an engineer with his own business, working every day beginning at 7:00 a.m., six days a week for the past 40 years. On the seventh day he plays softball. He will be retiring in about a month. Aside from baseball he has no other interest. I have a full life with leadership roles in various nonprofit organizations and am concerned that he will come home with nothing to do. I don’t need a companion 24/7. Where to begin on this? B.J.

Dear B.J.

You are not alone in this potential dilemma. There are some things you can do to avoid having a consistent companion while grocery shopping, going for your hair appointment or having lunch with a friend.

Based on working with groups consisting of over 20,000 employees planning for the non-economic aspects of their retirement, I found the least discussed topic among couples is their relationship with one another.

Here are some reasons the topic is avoided:

If it is not broken, don’t fix it: A couple may be happily married for 30 years and never felt the need to discuss their relationship. They are out of practice.

No one else seems to be talking about it: Women talk to other women about it. I’ve frequently heard, “Help, he’s coming home.” What’s missing is that these women are not talking to their husbands.

It’s too hard: It can be difficult to communicate on an honest and personal level if you have never done this before. Habits are hard to break. However, it is never too late.

The foremost issue is what your husband decides to do with his time. This may take several months since we are not particularly socialized or educated to this think about our life after work, aside from finances.

Furthermore, we have a limited script. We know the usual trajectory: go to school, then college or learn a trade, get a job, marry, have children, buy a home if possible and just continue until retirement. Then for many, there is an abyss; it’s like falling off a cliff.

Here are some suggestions to get started. Schedule some time for a conversation while you both are in the same room and not looking at a screen. Realize knowing what to do in retirement may take time and experimentation.

Consider the approach recommended by Rick Miner and Jeri Sedlar authors of “Don’t Retire, Rewire!” (Alpha Books, 2018). They focus on drivers as “personal motivators we use as a selection tool to match up our deepest needs with the world around us.” “…they make you tick as a human being because they go deep inside you, to your brain, heart and ego.” Many are expressed in work, are fairly consistent over a lifetime and considered a key to life satisfaction.

Here are a few examples.

Accomplishments: Think about what have you achieved and whether or not you want to continue achieving. One could achieve a certain level of income, running a 10K race, taking up a new sport, learning a new language or helping an organization reach its goals.

Intellectual stimulation: Was your work mentally challenging? If colleagues and co-workers provided an intellectually challenging environment, you may want to be part of an intellectual community such as Omnilore at California State University, Dominguez Hills.

Making a difference: Having an impact on products, services, a space mission, children, older adults, global warming, hunger or just increasing efficiency and productivity can be satisfying aspects of work. In later life, making a difference often becomes increasingly important. Individuals want to know that their lives have meant something; that when they leave this planet, the world will be a better place because of them.

Identity: This is a difficult one and a driver that is missed by many who have loved their work. If being an entrepreneur, business person, scientist or manufacturer is who you are, the challenge is to continue this identity or come up with another one, assuming the issue of identity is important to you.

Once you decide the drivers – values or motivators – the next step is to find a lifestyle or engage in activities or endeavors that tap some of these drivers as a way to ensure satisfaction in what you do.

One more resource: “The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations for Transitioning to the Second Half of Life” by Roberta K. Taylor and Dorian Mintzer (2014, Sourcebook, Inc.).

B.J. ,Thank you for your important question. Hope these few suggestions will be helpful. Best wishes in making this next chapter as a couple, the best one. I am confident you both will.